This years daylight savings should be a safer one for all involved

Posted on by Talker99

With more cops on duty, more volunteer patrol services and a new, far stricter punishment for criminals than of years past, it’s definitely looking like this years annual, Daylight Savings Spring forward, Fall back, will be less about time travel crimes and more about actually saving some daylight.

Last year was a record year in time travel crimes, all committed on or around Daylight savings time(the only day of the year that time travel is possible). With over 236 murders, 28,764 robberies and 689,976 timeline takebacks (people do something wrong an hour before the time shift and then take it back as if nothing happened when time shifts to an hour before or after).

This year though police are hoping to cut those numbers in half, starting with more community awareness campaigns and more officers on duty at the time of the shift. (with the exception of Arizona, who will see no such time shift due to the polarity of the Earth at the time of the change)

One of the biggest hurdles facing us as usual is the over abundance of Half-lifes.

Half-lifes, in case you didn’t know, are the people who were supposed to have died during the change in time but didn’t, placing them in a sort of controlled stasis until the time shifts back. These people raise many concerns for the public as they are met with both fear and pity by those they come in contact with.

Imagine waking after a month long coma and finding out you were supposed to have died during the time shift, while you may feel better, you also know that when the time shifts back you will be dying as scheduled and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.

Many Half-lifes face their last moments with a respectable attitude, but there are some who choose a more anarchist attitude towards all they meet. If you meet any of these types of Half-lifes during the months after the time shift, police are asking you to contact them immediately. A response team will arrive to handle the situation.

Overall, let’s make this time shift fun and worth while for everyone involved, after all, think of all the Daylight you will be saving.

Talker99 looks to the Future right Now: A special report about Tomorrow Today

Posted on by Talker99

The Future.

Can you see it? Eleven words from now I’m going to say the word cool.

Cool, right?

You my friend were just told the Future. How did I do it? What else can I see? Easy now young fella’, all in do time, because the Future is all around us.

The Future is right Now…….

Or is it? Some people say that in order to understand the Future we must first look at the sins of the past.

How exactly does one look at the past in order to understand the Future and what does any of that have to do with the Now?

That my friends is for you to decide.

Everyone is granted a Future of their own making but your past actions can compromise your Now which in turn can destroy your Future.

Your Tomorrow can easily be affected by your Yesterday and your Today was probably foreseen by a Gypsy.

What does this all mean?

Simple, I was bored and decided to write.

(quick note from the editor(Talker99)….It’s late, I’m tired. All said and done it’s a damn fine piece of writing….)

Recent Cattle mutilations blamed on Critters

Posted on by Talker99

At least 14 cattle have been found dead in Brazoria, Texas with dozens more unaccounted for.

Police are at a loss as to what may be responsible but we at Tàlker99 believe we know whom the culprit may very well be…..

Last month, Leonardo DiCaprio was in Brazoria scouting locations for his next film, the sequel to What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, titled, What Ate Gilbert Grape.

Unreported by the local news media and fanzines that follow Leo around, four of his Critters got loose while he was out dining in Cognito(a Spanish restaurant).

You may or may not remember that Leo was in a little film titled Critters 3.

Mysteriously, four Critters disappeared from the set the day Leo left and when calls were placed to his home, they were always met with an annoying wrong number notification.

We did some digging and uncovered this shocking photo that speaks for itself

Photo: Speaking for itself

Photo: Speaking for itself

. Now we don’t want to raise the alarm here but it’s been a long day already and really this is all we got for you to read. Honestly, I’m surprised you made it this far into this story. I would have left when I read the word Critters.

To each his own I guess. See you tomorrow.

Oh, and call your mom. She misses you.

Chapter 32: How to love the Homeless

Posted on by Talker99

As we learned in Chapter 16, the Homeless are not an easy people to get along with, let alone love, but through hard work and dedication we can begin to understand, maybe even, respect, this ancient and dirty people.

“To understand the Homeless you have to think like the Homeless.” So says Steven Wu, Professor of Homelessness at the Museum of Natural History and Science in Scranton, PA,. “The Homeless are a very sheltered people, which is ironic considering the fact that they lack shelter.

They are a very diverse group of individuals as well, filled with a wide variety of layers, both in clothing and cultural.”

continues on page 798

Local teacher loves making fun of stereo types

Posted on by Talker99

Chicago, IL

Ronald Fisher loves making fun of his students stereo types.

He’ll do it straight to their face even. More so if he gets to do it during the Algebra class he teaches at Mary Hill High in the historic Chicago district of Englewood.

“Oh its all in good fun.” Fischer told us by phone, “I guess there is a deeper message if you really want to find one, but it’s still in good fun.

Ill tell all the students that Whites are simply the best around, no question. Of course, that statement is inevitably always argued against by my students who like Blacks.

I always win the discussion after I stand the the two side by side(Whites and Blacks) and get my kids to listen to each one.

They are shocked when they find that they can hear and understand every word coming from the Whites but just hear a jumbled mess coming from the Blacks.

Im just trying to show my students why Whites are the best choice at the end of the day.”

“I don’t care if you’re having to choose a component, bookshelf, portable, handheld, auto or marine stereo, Whites Electronics are always the best choice for both the price and quality. My students don’t understand any of this when ever they go shopping for a new type of stereo, its all about bass to them, which, admittedly, Blacks stereos are the best for that aspect… But that’s about it(chuckles)…. I guess Sony is pretty good as well, but never Kenwood.”

School officials are said to be investigating the matter but are unsure why

Anniversary

Posted on by Talker99

Today is Talker99’s One Year Anniversary……… or so we’ve been told.

It was one year ago today that the King of Late night, Talker96, said goodbye to his late night Wix blog, despite being number one in the ratings.

That last blog post on Talker96’s Page of Awesome was one of the internets most viewed posts ever made, with over 11 million readers tuning in to it within the first hour of its creation.

Three weeks later, after signing a ten year contract with WordPress, Talker96 changed his name to Tàlker99 and started one of the most “groundbreaking web hubs and social News feeds ever created”. Wired

To mark the occasion WordPress secured the last piece of public space available on the world wide web, gave it to the staff at Tàlker99 and said “make us proud.”

So join us now as we look back on the first year of Tàlker99….

1. June 2024: Talker99 opens after buying the absolute last piece of space on the World Wide Web, making Talker99 the final website to be available to the public.

September 11, 2024: Tuesday

November 20, 2024: Kardashian love scandal. All the press is buzzing with news of a new baby bump that was reported after Kim was seen leaving Madison Square Garden. Is Tàlker99 the father?

2. Jan 1st 2025: The S.S. Poseidon capsizes in the beginning hours of the new year after getting hit by a rouge wave. Talker99 is the first to report the story hours before all other news sites.

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3. Feb 14th 2025: Valentines Day

4. March 6th 2025: While vacationing in L.A. and on tour of Nakatomi Plaza, Talker99 slipped away while terrorist Hans Gruber took control of the building and held the people inside hostage. Over the course of the night Talker99 managed to defeat the terrorists and save Christmas for him and his wife. Although it should be noted that Christmas is still months away.

5. May 16th: New Sex scandal!!!

6. July or possibly August: While vacationing in New York, the brother of Hans Gruber(see March 6th) sets off a series of explosions throughout the city, effectively holding all of Manhattan hostage. Talker99 somehow manages to defeat every one of the terrorists, this time with the help of Samuel L Jackson.

7. Sept 22 2025: Talker99 sets the fashion world on fire with his new line of clothing, completely revolutionizing how we view apparel.

8. Oct 8 2025: While in Russia for his sons murder trial, Talker99 once again stops some bad guys, this time though he did it in Russia!!

So that’s it everyone, hope next year is just as exciting.

Japanese men go through an American Fetish at some point in their lives

Posted on by Talker99

A recent study shows that most Japanese men go through an American girl fetish at some point in their lives.

Conducted by CNN, the study showed that, just as some American men go through a brief Asian fetish, where all they are interested in are Asian girls and Japanese porn, the exact same thing happens to Japanese men as well.

Greg Tanaka, Prof. of “Asian studies as seen through Western Cultures” at Harvard University, had this to say, “Yes it is true, most Asian men, especially Japanese men, go through the equivalent of what Americans call Yellow Fever.

Just as Americans go through a phase where all they are interested in is Japanese girls, we go through what is known in Japan as a White Rice diet, where all we want are American girls and American culture.

Even I went through it, sometime in the eighties I only wanted Goth chicks. I don’t have a clue as to why, I just did.”

There has been no explanation as to why this study was done and when pressed all CNN had to say was, “We did the study to study it.”

Cryptic to say the least.

Florida golfer attacked by aliens

Posted on by Talker99

Jim Keen(72) of the Villages, a retirement community located in Florida, was golfing at the Villa Lake Golf course yesterday when he was unexpectedly attacked by Aliens.

Jack Reeds, who is Jim’s friend of twenty two years, was there at the time of the attack, he was kind enough to talk to us and tell us exactly what prompted such an act of aggression by beings from another world,

“We were just about to reach the eighth hole when it happened.

I was walking over to my clubs and Jim was washing his balls.

He always does that before each tee off….washing his balls just gets Jim all fired up and ready to play(chuckles).

Anyway, Jim steps up to tee off when all the sudden there’s this humming sound coming from all around us.

The hum seemed to grow louder and louder and louder till it was right on top of us, I swear I almost had a heart attack……I thought I was back in Korea, thats how loud it was!

. Well, Jim starts looking around and ducking for cover….all of a sudden the sky grows dark.

I look up and there is this huge space ship just hovering right above us. It’s just blocking out the sun, covering everything around us. It was huge, I mean…..just fucking huge! Words can’t describe it!

Jim starts screaming out…. He starts rambling how he was right. How he knew the Aliens were real and he didn’t just imagine them.

He tells me that they’ve been visiting him for about a week, taking him into their craft and looking him over.

Nothing sexual he says, more like a doctor telling you to turn and cough….he thought he might just have been dreaming so he didn’t tell anybody… so he wouldn’t sound crazy.

I tell ya brother, I felt like I was crazy.

Seeing that ship just sitting there made me think I had lost it(laughs). Anyways, all of a sudden, these two small grey creature like things just materialize right in front of us.

They stand there a moment, kinda scanning the surroundings, making sure it’s safe I guess….

Two minutes pass and they start walking over to Jim. I was feeling scared and proud all at once.

Scared because I was looking at little grey bug eyed creatures from space and proud cause this was going to change the world and my best friend was the acting ambassador to Earth…..

Well, they get maybe a foot away from Jim and it gets all quiet.

They are all just staring at each other, waiting to see who would move first. You could feel the tension in the air…..It got a little creepy honestly…. then all of the sudden one of the aliens starts talking gibberish to the other.

Nanoo nanoo type shit.

The little one points at Jim and the bigger one kinda nods his head up and down…..then they both go right over to Jim and kick him in the balls!

Jim cries out this low pitched whine and falls to the ground….kinda wheezing out….Well I guess that was the opening the aliens needed cuz they just started wailing on the poor bastard.

What was worse was that they really seemed to get into it. Kinda letting out these squeals of joy as they kicked.

This goes on for a few more seconds and then the little one puts his foot on Jim’s cheek and kinda stamps down like he’s putting out a cigarette …….and then they just disappeared, voom, gone.

It was the strangest shit I ever saw.

After that I just couldn’t play no more golf so I picked up Jim and took him to the hospital. His pride was pretty well shot for the rest of the day.”

Mr. Keen was treated for a mild concussion and fractured wrist. Police are said to be investigating

Fire kills 14 at Hotel Psychic Convention, many are left wondering how they didn’t see it coming

Posted on by Talker99

Buffalo, New York

A fire broke out at the Holiday Inn Hotel and Convention Center Friday afternoon where the 2025 Psychic Connections Expo was being held.

An investigation into what caused the fire is underway but sources tell us it may have been a result of some faulty wiring in the main hall of the forty-year old hotel.

With fourteen confirmed dead and countless others hospitalized it was a weekend that at least one psychic should have seen coming.

The sold out crowd of enthusiastic psychics, Mediums and the people who believe in them, (many of which are in retirement age), immediately rushed in the direction they believed the exit was when the call for evacuation was announced.

The 14 confirmed dead were the result of a communication error between the special guest speaker, Abby Winters, and some of her more devoted followers.

You may remember Mrs. Winters who was the basis for the highly successful CBS series “Speaking with Spirits”.

She is also the author of more than 30 “Paranormal Connection” books and has had three Lifetime Network movies made about her abilities.

Over the years Mrs Winters has come under scrutiny for her involvement in high profile police investigations such as the Blue River murders.

In that particular case(the subject itself is the basis for her 2020 book, River of Wrong) she claims that she knows who the real killer is and the police convicted an innocent man. She stands by this claim despite the man convicted, John Fisher, confessing during his 2022 60 minutes interview.

Sadly, Mrs Winters died while leading her supporters to, what she thought, was safety. Instead all she found was a dead-end due to renovations the hotel had been going through.

The mishap led to all of them dying from smoke asphyxiation.

Many people involved are questioning how this could happen in a hotel filled with supposed psychics, leading non believers to say that it supports their theory that there is no such thing as being able to see the future or having a conversation with a long past family member.

Others though are saying the reason none knew of the fire before it started is only because the real psychics, those that would have seen it beforehand, stayed home due to being too psychic.

More as it develops.

Man from Nantucket arrested

Posted on by Talker99

Following the late night raid of the Orchid Sunrise massage parlor, Fred Hamilton of Nantucket, North Dakota, was arrested and charged with two counts of indecent exposure and one charge of resisting arrest.

Hamilton, you may remember, gained fame when a limerick written about him became popular in bars and pubs around the world.

As the popularity of the rhyme grew, Fred, (who at the time was a freshman at the local university), found himself propelled into a world of celebrity.

We recently unearthed a rare 1981 interview that Fred did with Rolling Stone magazine during the height of his popularity. In it he talks of how the limerick has affected his life and what has changed for him in terms of career, future goals and family. Below are portions of that interview.

Rolling stone– So I’ve got to ask….can you really suck it?

Hamilton– (laughs) Well, we certainly don’t pull any punches do we? To answer your question, yes, I can in fact, suck it. Would you like to see?

R.S.- No, no. That’s quite all right, maybe later.

H-Very well.

R.S.– Your friend Robert Wilson wrote this limerick about you because, as he puts it, it was the most extraordinary and sickening thing he had ever seen. Is there a story behind that.

H– I don’t know about a story, but one Saturday night at the dorm a bunch of us were drinking and trying to one up each other.

You know, like I can do a back flip or you can tie a cherry stem in your mouth, basic kid stuff just to impress. Well everyone gets done showing off and I hadn’t said anything the whole time. Robert looks over at me and asks me if I had anything to add. I looked up at everyone in the room and said, “Yeah. I can suck my own dick.”

R.S.- (laughing) Really? You were that blunt?

H– Pretty much. The room was silent for a few moments, but then everyone had to see me do it. So I did. The rest is history.

R.S.- Now your tale is told in every bar around the world.

H– Yeah, it’s funny isn’t it. I mean, I’m just a kid from Nantucket. No one ever thought I would be famous, but here I am talking to Rolling Stone magazine and dating Sally Field. Go figure.

R.S.- Yes, let’s talk about your relationships.

H– Here we go.(rolls his eyes)

R.S.- You are dating Sally Field, but your previous relationship with Kathleen Turner was rocky at best.

H– She’s a bitch, yes.

R.S.- She called you a violent, coke induced little man, saying you hit her on more than one occasion and that, as of late, your rampant drug use has left you limp and insecure. Are any of these allegations true?

H– Look, I was a different man back then. I had no idea what I was doing and probably made some shit choices, I’m human. There was only one time when I did get out of control, but I never hit her, I just shook her real hard and her head was banging against the wall. She could have stopped it from banging, but she didn’t. Who’s fault is that?

R.S.- Well……

H– Her fault, that’s who. Now, as for the limp dick thing, that’s just a flat out lie.

But according to sources, Hamilton would be haunted by drug use for years to come. Eventually he fell out of the limelight when, desperate for money, Hamilton signed on to star in a series of adult films showcasing his sole talent, but on the first day of filming he could not perform. Years of drug use had left him with severe erectile dysfunction. In 1988 he moved back to the town that made him famous, Nantucket, where he has lived since.

Even though he has pleaded not guilty to the charges, this arrest may be the nail in the coffin for Fred Hamilton, the man from Nantucket.

Lost Article : The Interview

Posted on by Talker99

Here is an article we found that was never published. It was written right before our previous website, Talker96`s Page of Awesome, was bought by the makers of Cat Fancy(though at the time I did not own a cat). While this article is a bit dated it is still a very informative read. Thank you.

The recent hack attacks on Sony Entertainment by the GOP(Guardians of Peace) have many thinking that the hacks were perpetrated by the North Koreans in retaliation for the Seth Rogen, James Franco comedy “The Interview”.

Set to be released this Christmas, the film involves Seth and James being recruited by the C.I.A to assassinate the leader of North Korea, a plot which might not be to humorous to the real leader, Kim Jong-un.

We sat with Mr. Choon-see Lee, a North Korean defector who escaped last week and is now safely living in Seoul, who talked with us about what Kim Jong-un may be thinking in regards to the film. “Oh yes, he’s pretty pissed…wink, wink…….Down with America and all that shit he usually is saying…..wink……..

Of course he’s not pissed silly, he’s just glad to be included at the party.

Sure, he’s got to be all like, “Stupid Franco and Rogen, they suck.” But to the people who know him, the people of North Korea, he’s as giddy as a school girl who just got asked to the prom.

Kim Jong-un on a horse during the nations annual Western Day festivities.

Kim Jong-un on a horse during the nations annual Western Day festivities.

Also he loved the movie “This is the End”. Swear to God, he can quote almost every line and often did so on the Peoples Republic Nightly Broadcast. It was pretty funny shit when he did, but kinda confusing too because we were not allowed to see that movie…..or any movie for that matter.

So we really didn’t know what he was talking about when he would start acting like it was the end of the world, a lot of people panicked even and killed their whole family, it was pretty fucked up. Anyway…..yeah……

But seriously, he’s cool with “The Interview”. He’s gotta act all butt hurt by it but deep down he’s just happy to be noticed.”

More as it develops.

Kim Jong-un looks out at some birds that he thought were pretty.

Kim Jong-un looks out at some birds that he thought were pretty.

Dr. Emmet Brown finally arrested after decades long search

Posted on by Talker99

Dr Emmet Brown arrived home yesterday from the year 1955, after disappearing in a futuristic looking 1985 Delorean of the past.

The happiness friends and family felt after seeing the long thought dead scientist was short-lived though.

Approximately ten minutes after his arrival, police stormed in with a warrant and arrested him for the suspected murder of Marty Mcfly.

Mcfly, whose disappearance in the late 80’s has long been a subject of debate, was featured in a season three episode of Unsolved mysteries.

Despite numerous leads, no one was ever charged.

Did Dr. Brown kill Marty Mcfly? That was the question on everyones mind after the two were last seen talking late one night around the town clock tower.

Some said that Dr Brown was an eccentric scientist with a taste for young boys. Others said that it was not Doc Brown at all and police should look toward Marty’s mother for answers in his disappearance.

In 1955 Lorraine Mcfly(her last name was Baines at the time) had a torrid affair with someone named Calvin Klein(no relation to the fashion guru) at around the time of her high school prom.

Friends of Lorraine often told her how much her son Marty looked like Calvin and would joke about who the actual father was.

How much of what they were saying was based in truth though? That is the question everyone is asking after news broke that the doctor had returned .

More importantly, that’s the question police have been asking since the disappearance of young Marty in the 80’s.
Now though, with todays capture of Dr. Brown, might the police finally have the evidence they need to convict?

Considering he has long since been the only person of interest in this decades long cold case, many are hopeful to finally get answers to questions most thought would never be fully explained.

More as it develops.

Talker99 Public Service Announcment: Otter Awareness week

Posted on by Talker99

The following is a Public Service Announcement from your friends at Talker99.

Talker99 does not have any connection to the service we are about to announce, nor does he endorse the announcement of any particular service to the general public. Talker99(the website) is a service to you, the public readership, and all unsolicited announcements are simply a part of public required service. Thank you.

Don’t forget that it’s National Otter Awareness Week for the next three days!

Have you or someone you’ve known ever been the victim of an Otter crime?

For millions of Americans the answer is a resounding “yes”.

Unreported Otter crimes account for less than one percent of all violent crimes reported, yet they’re responsible for over twenty percent of the paperwork filed by police.

Many people don’t even realize that they’ve been victimized by an Otter because they don’t believe an Otter lives anywhere around them.

Don’t Otters need to live around water?

FACT: The average family has an Otter living within half a mile of their residence, and a quarter-mile of their workplace.

What kind of crimes is an Otter capable of producing?

Fact: Otters are behind this centuries most notorious and violent crimes.

Gang Violence

Murder

Store Retail Theft

Breast Cancer

Housing Market Crash

The DaVinci Code

France

Craigslist scams

All of these were Otter related crimes, and many more we didn’t mention.

But we will mention now: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, Netflix price change, Rain when it’s supposed to be sunny, your parents divorce….all crimes perpetrated by an Otter.

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out of it and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

So the next time you see an Otter, please be aware.

Talker99 goes Cow Tipping

Posted on by Talker99

Recently I(Talker99) was granted full access to a local cow pasture that was awash with the milk producing bovine.

Not one to pass up such a rare opportunity I began to prepare for my exciting night of cow tipping, something I had not done since my days as a young lad back in Texas.

I was more than a little nervous as I stepped out into that lush green field but I was ready to meet these cows head on. To my right were about six black and white dairy cows and a young calf.

I hesitated just a bit as I reached out my hand as a show of gratitude for allowing me into their world. Suddenly the young calf walked up to me and sniffed my outstretched hand. Everything was relying on this moment, would I be accepted into the fold as one of their own?

Success! The calf let out a short moo sound which inturn caused the others to bello bigger moo like sounds.

To the left of me a cow began to pee.

For the following two hours I grazed and walked with my new cow friends, even giving a few of them names so as to secure a stronger bond.

Ash was the name I gave the leader due to the grey patch across his head that reminded me of Ash Wednesday. Imagine, a Catholic cow…. I shall laugh for days at this thought.

Cowabunga was the name I gave to the cow whose tail jumped and danced.

Mooberry was the cow who only seemed to eat the berrys growing throughout the field.

I enjoyed my time getting to know my new friends but as nightfall came I prepared for why I was here.

The night grew strong and slowly each cow fell fast asleep. I slowly rose to my feet and silently waltzed across the way….

Mooberry was fast asleep in a dreamstate, i could tell by her rapid eye movement and how she kicked her legs as if running. I slowly walked right beside the mighty beast, put two hands upon her side and whispered the words “thank you”.

I then left $3.56 under her right hoof.

Its best to tip an average of 15 to 25 percent. If you tip a cow any more they get insulted. Im not sure why but they do.

Thank you.

Talker99 Flashback: S.S. Poseidon capsizes during New Years festivities

Posted on by Talker99

Reports are sketchy but according to Drudge Report the luxury liner S.S. Poseidon capsized when a rouge wave crashed into it during the nights New Years Eve festivities.

We are unsure if there are any survivors but it is feared that all on board are lost.

More as it comes in.

Photo of some of the passengers who were on board. The New Years party was to be a 70's themed event.

Photo of some of the passengers who were on board. The New Years party was to be a 70’s themed event.

Almost fight leads to man saying Dude way to much

Posted on by Talker99

For Clifton, Nebraska resident, Carey Flinch, fighting is not something he does well.

So when he got into an argument last night at the local 24 hour Mexican restaurant in his town, he did everything in his power to not make it escalate, leaving some to question whether or not they really know who Carey is at all.

“All I know is Carey was talking to some girl he met when this big dude comes out of nowhere and starts yelling that he’s talking to his woman.” RobGrason told us by phone this morning, he’s Carey’s best friend and an eyewitness to the events, “Carey was caught off guard and just starts yelling YOU DONT WANT THIS DUDE! You dont want this Dude! You Don’t dude! Dude! Dude! and then just books it outside.

Well, the guy just follows, as does everyone in the bar cuz it looks like we’re gonna see a fight.

We all get out there and there’s Carey, yelling Dude, DUDE, I’ll kick your ass DUDE…. over and over…….

Eventually, the guy just gave up, out of boredom I think, and just goes back inside.

I went over to Carey cuz he was upset and visibly shaking, like, all over….

all he was saying was Dude, I showed him, that dude didn’t want none. Dude needs to……. It was fucking embarrassing, I took Carey home and told him to sleep it off. To be honest….I don’t know what the fuck to think.”

More as it develops.

Man stops Charging Grizzly

Posted on by Talker99

While camping at the Happy Place campgrounds in Barrow Falls, Alaska, Harold Harkins (of Beaverton, MN) managed to stop a charging, very pissed off Grizzly bear that was attacking. His act of bravery is what saved the rest of Larry and Laura Hartnets vacation.

Larry Hartnet, a Target manager from Butte, Montana, talked to us by phone, “Well, see me and the wife were wanting to go on the all inclusive bear tour during our trip. We paid for it and it’s all the wife could talk about on the way up here.

Just nonstop yapping about how she(begins to mimic his wife laura in a annoying, high pitched voice) just can’t wait to see the bears. Oooooo, the bears are gonna be so pretty and majestic. Do you think we’ll see a bear? What if we can’t see a bear? Bear. Bear. Bear…. (stops imitating)

I swear to Christ it was all I freakin’ heard,

Anyways, we get there and the first night, no bears.

The second night, no freakin’ bears.

I thought my wife was gonna bust she was actin’ so upset. Well, I get wind of another bear tour that drives a group of us up into the mountain, puts some dead animal or fish out in the open and waits there till one comes walkin’.

It was freakin’ perfect! Anything to get her trap from freakin’ talkin’ bout those dumb ass bears!

So I tell the wife about it and we drive up to where the tour is supposed to leave. Trouble was we get there exactly ten minutes too late! The freakin’ tour thingy already left! Thats when the water works came…..oh Jesus, I swear I wanted a bear to show just so it could eat her, she was crying so much.

Suddenly I hear a “pssst, pssst”, coming from behind me. I turn around and it’s a freakin’ aww inspiring-like Grizzly Bear! Totally brown and bear-like and he’s just looking me dead in the eye, kinda mean muggin’ me….. Then I see that he’s trying to call me over, kinda wavin’ at me with his big bear paws. It was freakin’ crazy!

So I walk up and he starts askin’ if we want to see the bears….and that he can show us more bears if we want. Then he starts to explain the deals he has and the prices. We haggled a few minutes and me an the wife decided on package number 1, which involved us following him up to his place.

Once there we would be allowed to sit and watch him in his natural environment. Total package was for about $150. A little pricey but well worth it to get the wife to shut up.

So we follow the fucker up into the hills for about ten minutes and all is fine. Suddenly he just stops and turns to me and says he wants the money up front.

Well, I ain’t sure if this bear is on the level so I say I’ll pay half now, half after. I mean, I don’t know this bear, he could just take off if he gets the money and then where would I be? Up shit creek, thats where!

I could tell though that the bear wasn’t having it and he starts to get all pissy. His attitude just rubbed me wrong and we start to argue.

This goes on for a few minutes and then he starts to just walk away, throwing his paws up as he does. As he gets past me I just snap like a twig and I tell him to fuck off.

He suddenly stops dead in his tracks and the whole forest, well, it just gets weirdly quiet. Then he turns around, looks me square in the eyes and says, “what the fuck did you just say?”

I looked right back and said, “F. U. C. K. Y. O. U…..does a bear spell in the woods? No? Well let me read it for you…” I then stuck up both middle fingers and yelled, “FUCK YOU!”

The shit pretty much hit the fan at this point.

He starts screaming at me, calling me every name he can think of. Thats when my wife just starts crying, real loud, heaving sobs, but amazingly, she is snappin’ pictures the entire time.

I decided to be the bigger man and say fuck it and walk away but he grabs my shoulder and tells me I owe him 50 bucks. I tell him that all I owe him is a black eye and lucky for him I don’t feel like collecting.

Thats when he pushes me.

So I stamp my foot into the ground and pushed back.

Then he started to growl.

At this point I realize that he was a bear….. a big ass, mean, giant Grizzly bear and I was pretty much fucked.

Suddenly I see this guy, Harold, coming up from the trail. Like a knight to my damsel in distress, he saw what was about to go down and he jumps in to stop it. I guess the bear didn’t see him cuz he still swiped down trying to hit me….(starts to cry) but he hits Harold instead.

It killed him instantly.

Seconds later some Rangers show up and just start shooting the bear. My wife, who is still taking pics, pushes me down to the ground and saved my ass.

She took two shots in the ass and will be off her feet a few weeks, thats what I’m dealing with now, which sucks.

More as it updates.

This is a new post(now in color!)

Posted on by Talker99

This is a completely new post.

How can you actually tell its a new post and not some rehash of a previous post?

Simple….it says the word “New” in the title sentence.

Considering the word “New” is costing us about 14,000$ (in order to publish words such as “New” to you, (the reader), we,(the Publishers), must submit all articles for verification and processing through the Plagiarism and Copyright Commission U.S. Division(P.C.C.U.S.D) as stated in the Internet Guidelines Article 5.7.

The cost of doing this can be quite expensive seeing as they charge per word, this is why the internet is littered with nothing but headlines and short snappy posts made up of less than 500 words) we are not going to be wasting money on something that was already written within this website.

That my friends is how you know that what you are currently reading is New.

Thank you

Are you up to date? A Tàlker99 special report

Posted on by Talker99

Welcome to the update section of Talker99.

Today we will discuss any and all changes being made to the Talker99 format and/or layout. We do this update so that you, the viewer, can and will be informed of any and all changes that might normally catch you a bit off guard.

We know that change, both big and little, can sometimes be a little off putting or frightening. We are here to guide you through even the slightest change to your normal Talker99 reading experience.

Update: Nothing

We would like to remind you that Talker99 has a sister site titled 365poems.wordpress.com

In it he tries his hand at poetry so as to better understand the style.

Backstory: Talker99 has never really been a fan of poetry. He always thought of it as a very “look at me” style of writing and it always just rubbed him wrong.

As he grew older he became slightly wiser and realized one day that this was a very close minded way of thinking.

It was at that moment that he decided to try his hand at it and see what all the fuss was about.

He then dove in to all the poetry he could find, whatever it was, he read it. Finally, a year later, he was ready.

Now you can judge him like he has judged so many others before.

365poems.wordpress.com

Seriously poetic.

Dora the explorer missing

Posted on by Talker99

Dora the Explorer, the famed six-year-old archaeologist, was reported missing yesterday after she and her assistant Boots failed to check in after their hike up Green Mountain.

Despite Green Mountain being known as difficult terrain, Dora and Boots were both accomplished outdoorsman who(between the two) had logged over 500 hours up and down it’s trails.

According to sources, they had left in the early morning in hope of finding a baby condors lost parents.

Dora, looking smug

Dora, looking smug

Police are being quiet about the details of the investigation but our sources are telling us that Diego, Doras animal rescue cousin, was called into police headquarters late last night for questioning about his whereabouts at the time of her hike.

No charges were filed but he is definitely a person of interest in the ongoing case.

As are the explorers own parents who are now being investigated by Child Protective Services for neglect.

“That kid was never seen with her parents,” a neighbor told us by phone, “she’d be out willy nilly all hours of the night. Just her an that god-damned monkey(Boots) crossing rickety bridges, white water rafting in crocodile infested rivers and walking around asking questions to people who were not even there.

One time I saw her look up at a wall, ask it how many apples it could count up above her head, tell it that it did a great job and then proceed to sing some song about how they did it……it was the creepiest shit I ever saw.”

Police are asking for help in giving any information that may lead to Doras whereabouts. They are also asking to be on the lookout for a masked Fox who goes by the name of Swiper.

The Fox, whose real name is Tony Stuccato, was often seen lingering around Dora and Boots on many occasions and has been linked to the Green River Murder case in recent past where he was one of multiple suspects in the investigation, though no charges were ever brought forth.

More as it updates.

Man upset by lack of readers to his blog, may cancel

Posted on by Talker99

David Timly, from Fredrick, Ohio, started his first WordPress blog today with hopes of big readership brought in by his witty commentary.

Sadly, no one cared.

“I just don’t know why they aren’t reading my stuff.” David told us by phone, “I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as a good writer, it’s not professional or anything but…..my wife says it’s good.”

The rest of the Internet disagrees and the stats showcase this fact, much to Davids dismay.

His blog, which is filled with pictures of his family, some random poetry he wrote while in college and some off-putting commentary about his local grocery store (complete with bad Indian puns and a semi amusing anecdote on his hatred of chex mix), is not the literary masterpiece he believes it to be.

Only time will tell if Davids blog succeeds, but if it does, I probably won’t tell you about it.

Makers of Tylenol hold press conference to “clear the air”

Posted on by Talker99

The makers of the number one headache remedy on the market, Tylenol, held a press conference today so they might “clear the air” about how helpful their headache pill actually is for the millions of people who buy it on a regular basis.

“Not helpful at all,” according to the spokesman for the company, adding, “We would even go so far as to say that it may actually be responsible for tension headaches these last few years, especially for residents of Maryland, though there have been no conclusive tests done to actually prove this, but it probably has.”

When pressed to explain how Tylenol works and what its active ingredients were the spokesman had this to say,

“Chalk, lots of chalk. Also, if I’m not mistaken, tree bark, beaver secretions, the number 9, ten percent Ibuprofen and Crayola Crayon Signiture White Edition…..oh, and science.

He did add one positive note to Tylenol and its makers, telling reporters how proud he was to be making prescription strength Tylenol 3, “It really is the shit, isn’t it? Those people who thought it up are gods among men in my opinion. You got pain? Take a T3. You got arthritis? Take a mutha fuckin T3! You got a party to get to? Pop a T-to-tha-3 and feel as good as you can be.”

He then spun around, did the splits and ran out the room.

More as it updates.

After years of searching, local man finds God

Posted on by Talker99

For Mike Ferrel, his personal search for God has been a journey filled with many emotional ups and downs.

For years he has been on a spiritual mission to become closer to the lord in both mind and body. He has searched throughout thousands of churches, synagogues and christian based summer camps but never found the connection he was looking for.

Yesterday Mike Ferrel finally found his Lord and Savior……he lives at 1354 Beechnut Avenue in Orlando, Florida, apartment 1264.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Mike told us by phone, “I’m a little let down. I mean, for like, twenty some odd years I’ve been looking for God and this is where I find him? In some shit apartments in fucking Orlando?! Jesus Christ man! He works at Disney World for Christs sake!”

God, who could not be reached for comment, is in fact working at Disney World. He runs the Its a small world ride where his official title is Head Technician and creator of the known universe.

We talked to his supervisor, Park manager Tammie Darson, who had this to say, “Oh yes, God is a wonderful worker, always on time and very clean in appearance. The only complaint we have ever had on him is that he does seem to think he’s always right about how the ride animations should look because he’s the “Creator”….(Sighs) but otherwise he’s a wonderful person. I do wish he would shave that beard though.”

More as it develops

Talker99 Looks Ahead: Halloween

Posted on by Talker99

Due to the overwhelming viewer response to the Talker99 Looks Back series, we at Talker99 thought that it might be enjoyable for you(the reader) to read one of the companion pieces to Looks Back, imaginatively titled: LooksAhead. We would like to remind you that the Looks Ahead series that you(the reader) are about to read is still in beta testing. What this means is that it is an untested and unfinished product and Talker99 is not responsible nor liable for anything that may come from its use. Proceed with care and caution. Thank you.

October 31st has long been more than just another day, it has also been Halloween.

All Hallows Eve

Witches night

The End of October

Fat Tuesday

These are just some of the many names the dark night has been called(also known as Batman). Why is it so important and why should you care?

What kind of retched history can this so called “Halloween” have and, more importantly, why does it involve candy?

Well kiddies, sit back and I shall tell you the horrifying history of Halloween(actually, I’m not going to tell you a whole history, more like some random facts. They will be about Halloween though, not necessarily horrifying but Halloween none-the-less)

Halloween was started in the year 1972(the year of the Lord)

Candy, which has long been an instrument of the Devil(on account of it being so tasty) was chosen to represent Halloween over the Devils other instrument, the Flute.

The idea to actually give children the candy was decided after finding that no one knew what to do with all the candy they had brought.

George Clooney is on record as being the first trick- or- treater(he dressed as a ghost).

The first recorded Bob for Apples game was at George and Marcy’s 1983 Key Party(invitation only) in Tampa Bay, Florida. The term Bob for Apples took on a decidedly different meaning there, and it was during the month of August.

Brad Pitts birthday falls on Halloween(though he changed it once he became a star).

The song the Monster Mash was in fact a graveyard smash.

Other notable celebs with Halloween births are: Mary Kate Olsen, Tiger Woods, Frank Stallone, The Devil, Will Ferrell, Richard Simmons, Balthazar Getty, Adult film legend Tera Patrick, Marky Mark, the cast of Greys Anatomy, Bill Clinton, the voice of the Kool aid man, Ted Danson and the dog from Beethoven.

Happy Halloween.

Trix Rabbit arrested

Posted on by Talker99

The Trix cereal rabbit was arrested after an investigation into reports that the rabbit had been performing sexual acts with minors for bowls of cereal proved true.

th (1)

The rabbit, who released a statement following the arrest, had this to say,

“I’m just glad that it’s all out in the open. Did you people not ever pay attention? The kids were saying, Tricks are for Kids!

I have a problem, I can admit this. I will seek help following my judgment. Thank you”

No word yet from the Trix cereal makers.

Scientists say a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within a week

Posted on by Talker99

Scientists announced today that a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within three or four days, dramatically changing the surface of its terrain.

The comet, nicknamed Ol’ Glory by the Warcraft Astronomer who found it(BizKilla345), will probably strike somewhere in the Broken Isles area, causing massive tsunamis and Worldcraft wide devastation.

As news of the impending doom spread around the online world, violence quickly erupted, causing at least twenty thousand confirmed fake deaths in the unreal communities of the false world.

Looting, riots and annoying lags of internet connections are just a few of the problems that the families of the World of Warcraft have been going through since hearing of the mile wide comet. Underneath it all there have been stories of compassion as well.

We heard from SmiteUall33, who told us of a man who has given away all of his Warcraft possessions to those affected by the violence. Sadly though, his kindness was taken advantage of by some rouge Ironforge Dwarves who killed him while he prayed with a Blood Elf.

No plans have been made yet for evacuation though many are hoping that the World of Warcraft players will soon realize that it is only a game and get back to their real, everyday lives.

Talker99 Classic Retro Rewind : Next attack coming soon

Posted on by Talker99

Today on classic retro rewind we are taking you waaaayyy back to when the people were panicked, the conspiracies were in abundance and the world seemed flipped upside down…. We are talking of course about the year 2001, directly after 9/11. The article you are about to read is one published three months after that horrible day. If I’m not mistaken this is my third post I ever published. We admit that its dated for sure and the thoughts and beliefs may be a little insensitive but its still kinda funny… Sign of the times is all we can say.

All of Washington D.C. is abuzz with news that Al qaeda, the Islamic terrorist sect, is planning something big for their next attack, but how big? Talker99 sat down with Al queda member Zemar Dunis, who runs the East New Jersey Islamic Cherry Hill Gang, a non-profit cure for cancer group in Blight, New Jersey and he filled us in on whats in store.

“What the word on the Muslim street is saying is that the next bombing will be tha bomb!

Oh yes, my fellow qaeda guys are most definitely going to attack……Attack your senses, so your mind will be blown!

First, there will be a huge parade through the streets, where the many Muslim men will preach about Allah and his wisdom. Following behind the men will be their women, dressed in their best veils and looking all the more sexy as they walk through the streets covered head to toe with their heads ducked low and their mouths shut.

After the parade there will be punch and pie in the “Infidel Tent”, a kind of, meet a Muslim type setting, where the men will teach and praise Allah and his wisdom. For that the women will be at home where they belong.

Then the fun begins as two of Al qaedas best magicians come to teach of the dangers and evil that black magic will bring you as their show starts with basic parlor tricks but then turns into a den of evil, which consequently turns into a beheading of one of the Magicians.

Do not worry though, it is a fun time for the kiddies. Also, be sure to go if not to see the Black Magic fools lovely assistants, you’ll feel the heat as they help whenever called for and then stand in their corners with their mouths shut and their heads down low.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve already reserved a seat for when it happens.”

More as it updates.

Feral Cow

Posted on by Talker99

Deep in the foothills of Texas there lives a creature that, since being discovered only thirty two years ago, has been photographed just four times in it’s natural environment.

It is so stealth-like in it’s habits that scientists still have no clue as to where it goes every year during the months of November through January, speculating that its strange disappearance could either be a “mating season rite or a winter hibernation like move”.

I am talking of course about the North American Forest Bovine, or what some like to call, the Feral Cow.

The Feral Cow had long been considered a superstitious rumor that was thought up by the hill people of North Travis county, Texas but it’s discovery by Dr. Reginald Christian thirty two years ago, (who found a lost calf wondering alone in the woods), is still considered one of the greatest large animal findings in recorded history.

At the time, it was believed that all of North America had been discovered and the thought of a large cow(sometimes reaching a weight of 1500 lbs and a height of 6ft hoof to head) living, sometimes within a mile of a major metropolitan city, was unimaginable.

“What we have here is proof of the impossible.” Fred Joplin of the San Diego Zoo, where he is the current head of the reptile house(we could not reach anyone else) told us by phone, “What this finding did is give hope and precedence to all those that searched for things like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. It gave them reason to keep looking because, just like Bigfoot, the Feral Cow was just a local legend for that area, something scary parents told their kids to keep them indoors at night. Once it was proven that it existed, that there actually was a giant cow out there in the hills….well, why not Bigfoot as well?”

The Feral Cow itself is not that much different from the normal dairy cow that you and I know, save for two distinct differences.

While a dairy cow has short, fine hair spread around its body, the Feral has long hair that resembles a Mountain Yak in fluff and color. And while the farm cow is really not that intelligent in it’s day to day reasoning skills, The Feral is an extremely intelligent creature, able to calculate situations it encounters with complex reasoning and in some well documented cases, a grasp of basic mathematics.

Also, another difference in the two is the Feral Cow is a carnivore, eating only meat, and has evolved over time into a formidable killing machine.

Over the years many people have disappeared while hiking in the woods of west Texas, many of these disappearances can be linked to the Feral Cow.

“Don’t let that dumb cow look fool you, they’ll tear you limb from limb and feast on your blood.” So says John Kilmer, a Lake Jackson, Texas resident who lost his wife and child to a rouge Feral Cow that terrorized the town for more than a decade. “People go out camping and think to themselves it won’t happen to them, no one ever sees the Cows, so they should be okay. Well I’m hear to tell you, it happens, the Cows happen. You come across one, you run like hell. They may look sweet and cuddly, they want you to think this, lull you in some, make you all comfortable….then Bam! The cow pounces, those cute eyes turn blood red and the last thing you hear is that horrible, horrible Moo…… the most evil moo there ever was.”

More is hoped to be learned about the cow in the coming months when an expedition is launched that hopes to study the Animal in it’s natural environment. This being the third research study in as many years, the first two disappearing, both within a week of their launch, and have yet to be heard from .

More as it develops.

Caillou placed in foster care after police arrest parents for child abuse

Posted on by Talker99

Caillou coming from court

Shocking allegations of child abuse and fraud have surfaced today during the pretrial for the couple known only as Mother and Father, who for years claimed that their four year old son Caillou was sick and special needs.

The couple was arrested at their home on Pine Street last April on suspicion of child endangerment but once the police started digging they found a rabbit hole that went deeper than they could have ever imagined.

Caillou was the subject of a popular reality show that showcased his perseverance and sunny outlook in his day to day activities despite his severe learning capabilities and his ongoing battle with cancer.

Or so the public was lead to believe.

According to court records the parents completely fabricated every aspect of Caillou’s life. They then used his pain to their advantage. Vacations, multi night sex parties and drug fueled weekends that would find Caillou at home alone to fend for himself.

Dr. Rob Garath, a psychologist (the only one to return our calls) had this to say, “at first glance it looks like a basic case of Munchausen syndrome but on further investigation I’m not so sure. I believe this was done solely for monetary purposes on the parents part. Its pretty fucked up”.

Caillou has been quiet on the whole ordeal since the arrest. His grandparents are trying to gain custody of the boy and his grandmother is still his soccer coach every Tuesday evening. They are to make a statement in court next week.

More as it updates.

Talker99 Editorial

Posted on by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99(He’s not just good-looking, he’s really good-looking).

The thoughts and feelings represented here are strictly his and his alone.

They in no way represent the thoughts and feelings of the writers at Talker99(namely me, Talker99).

After reading this you may feel dizzy or light-headed. This is completely normal and should not be looked upon as anything other than what it actually is(light headedness, dizziness, arousal). Thank you.

That was a poorly written post a few days ago.

I’m not making excuses because, well, you don’t deserve excuses. I just went back and reread the midget post and I don’t know why I even published it without editing it.

My thoughts on stories about midgets have always been the same, that they should be just like a midget(if they existed, which they don’t) short and sexy.

What I mean is, that they should be whimsical and full of magic…… anything else and they just become a dwarf.

Yes, I will agree that instead of writing this I should have probably just gone back to work on it.

Here’s the thing…. that is way to much work.

It is so much easier to create than to decreate(it should be a word, like swang, as in swing, swang, swung) so why don’t you just go back to washing dishes honey? I’ll stick to the man stuff, like working.

I realize that may have been a little sexist and for that I do apologize.

It’s just that sometimes you gots to put a bitch in her place.

Again, I apologize, that was not only sexist but it felt like the right thing to say.

Wait…what?eItpPiy_bAHoqlyFo41-gw

Talker99 looks back: Is it time for those decorations to come out of the closet?

Posted on by Talker99

Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween…Three holidays that, when placed in the proper order of arrival, bring to mind costumes, colors and of course, Christ(if you’re not into him then the C can stand for “Christmas Story”,they play it for 24 hours on TBS, they know funny).

Its also a time for flashy decorations and whispering words of discomfort between estranged family members.

It really is a magical time, but when exactly is it time for you to accept and finally let your decorations come out of the closet? Talker99 is here to help.

While I may not “hang my stockings with care” or do the “monster mash” like some of our Gay or Lesbian readers do, I at least know a good “Blackberry Cobbler with Cool Whip” when I see one. So I put together this handy reference guide simply because I care.

Are you noticing how chilly it’s getting outside? That my friends is what some like to call “Ol Man Winter” (or “Jack Frost” to our Asian friends) and while it may still be Fall, it means it’s starting to feel like Winter. Brrrrr, better get those clothes out because it’s cold out!

So what’s the point? I’ll explain. Everyone likes winter clothes the best, only because they are the best. Anybody can look good in winter clothes, I don’t care if you’re Lindsey Lohan, you can still look good.

The point being, if you start to see people in these type of clothes then you know it’s time to maybe put out some decorations, possibly.

Next, what month is it? Here’s a test, get up right now(seriously, stand up) walk to a calender that you currently have somewhere within your home(or apartment, for all you single people out there), now, take a glance. Question, what month does it say?

There you go.

Finally, are you sad about something but have no idea what it is? That is what therapists love to call “repressed memories” or, in layman terms, nostalgia.

It’s a pretty good chance that if those memories are bubbling up then chances are it’s time to string those lights and show the neighborhood your “electric reindeer”(it’s an 80’s dance and a penis reference).

Happy Holidays.

Pokemon

Posted on by Talker99

Minneapolis, Mn

For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon is more than just a children’s card game and multi-million dollar money making animated series, it is a highly sophisticated, multinational governmental cover-up involving dozens of countries throughout the world, all of which are after the one prize of catching them all

“Oh yes,” Henry told us, “some of the nations that are involved are most definitely enemies of the state. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over fifty Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that the whole war on terror that was started in the early 2000’s was actually nothing more than a ruse…..(he takes a dramatic pause and looks away at the wall, then his cat, then back to me)…. a ruse to capture and weaponize all remaining Pokemon that are living within the mountains of the Afghan Nation.

Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami that took over a hundred thousand lives.”

As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry then handed me a card with a picture of a creature named Steelix. He then ran back to his bedroom and shut the door.

Nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, He then tells me it’s the same one in the card I was shown.

I looked it over and as soon as I realized he wasn’t lying, I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast…….I mean I was fucking gone! My heart was pounding out of my chest almost! It was crazy….. I just don’t even know how to explain what I saw….I ju….I just know….(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!”

More as it develops

The amazing story of life on the trail of Bigfoot

Posted on by Talker99

For years cryptozoologist Mark Jacobs has been on the trail of Bigfoot.

Mark has been everywhere, from the Ozark Mountains to the Appalachian Trail, (even to a Macy’s One day sale) and all of it in the name of science.

Despite the questionable facts surrounding Bigfoot, Mark has always been a staunch believer. In his new book, “Finding my Footing”, he talks about how his belief led him through some pretty rocky slopes in his life.

From his fathers alcoholism to the crumbling of his marriage, Bigfoot saw him through it all.

Below is a brief snippet of the book which is being released next month from Bantammy Books.

We had been tracking the creature for three days.

I felt, though I was probably alone in this feeling, that we had never been closer to finding Bigfoot than we were at that moment.

The signs were everywhere. From the strange feeling of being watched, to all of our coffee being stolen the day before(I still don’t know why Bigfoot loves coffee but he obviously does, 14 field expeditions, 13 times our coffee gets stolen. The only time I bring tea, he stole all my clothes and left the tea.).

We were going to see him this time, I just knew it.

As we walked, every sound seemed to come alive and pop in my ear as if whatever was causing them was right there next to me. The sway of the trees in the wind….. the scurry of little forest animals……. the heavy, dull breathing of Carl(map expert), who had been struggling to keep pace since leaving that morning.

I hated that we always brought Carl. He always seemed to just slow things down and depress everyone. I’ve never seen someone so sweaty in all my life, but he makes a mean western omelet so we bring him.

Suddenly, Carl’s emergency phone started to vibrate. He answered and handed it to me. It was my mother calling to say that dad had passed in the night.

I was stunned.

I dropped the phone and cried right there. Amanda (tech expert), sensing that something wasn’t right, (I never cried on field expeditions) came over and lightly patted my back.

Robert(tracker), feeling awkward at seeing a grown man cry, yelled out that he heard something and ran away. It was the last we ever saw of him.

Kenshi(ninja) appeared from the shadows.

That night I sat around the campfire with my friends and we talked of my father. Each had their own story to tell, some funny, some sad.

As I sat and listened to them all I felt grateful to have such good friends at such a time in my life. All of us brought together under the one common goal of finding Bigfoot.

I know that Bigfoot felt bad for me too. In the morning after, upon leaving my tent I found a bundle of flowers. Badly clumped together and hastily arranged. They were placed at the foot of my tent so I would find them, and all of them had the same distinct smell of piss and shit and coffee that always goes hand in hand with Bigfoot.

When I picked them up I found a child’s birthday card that had obviously been out in the woods for quite some time. The words Happy Birthday had been scratched out from the front and inside something had tried to write something new, ” Soree fuur th luss”.

All I could do was hold the card and cry.

Finding my Footing is out next month at bookstores everywhere and will be available on Amazon.

Subscribers Remorse

Posted on by Talker99

sub·scrib·er

/səbˈskrībər/

noun

plural noun: subscribers

  1. a person who receives a publication regularly by paying in advance.

Have you been the victim of a subscriber scam?

It’s a documented fact that at least 7 out of 10 people have fallen for the update by email scam that runs rampant throughout WordPress.

Have you given a like to a blog only to be bombarded week after week with endless “updates” from it’s creator that you have zero interest in reading?

We at Tàlker99 understand how difficult it can be navigating this thing called “the internet”, that’s why we created Blog lock with you in mind.

With Blog lock in place you’ll have all your subscriptions compiled into just one single subscription and never have to deal with the hassle of reading other websites.

Once you are fully subscribed to Tàlker99 all your News feeds, Work feeds and Porn will be sectioned off into one fully expandable website that gives you the freedom to enjoy the rest of your day(without the headache of endless web browsing).

Remember how you missed Grandma’s 75th birthday because you got stuck doing work stuff online? Had you had Tàlker99 you would have been there.

How bout the time you got stuck looking at step sibling porn and completely forgot to pick up your kids at school?

Wouldn’t have happened had you had Tàlker99(and your wife might still be with you).

Listen…..all I’m saying is you got to get it together bro. You’re a day away from losing your job and your kids blame you cuz of the divorce(they ain’t wrong). Get your shit together and subscribe to Tàlker99.

It’s better then living alone.

Do you agree

Posted on by Talker99

A recent poll conducted by CNN shows that seventy nine percent of the general public is in total agreement while another fourteen percent completely disagree.

Those in complete disagreement rose almost three percent from last years poll, which has left most experts baffled as to what might be going on to have so many different opinions..

It is of note though that those who simply do not care stayed the same at 4% as did the number for those that were too busy for the poll at 3%.

Tàlker99 vs. Dr Seuss part 2

Posted on by Talker99

At an abandoned old field

On the edge of town

Young Billy sat bored

With his face in a frown

Then he said to himself

In the grumpiest of words

“this town is so boring!”

“yes, this town is absurd!”

“there’s just nothing to do here!”

“no fun to be had!”

“I hate that I live here!”

“it just makes me so mad!”

All at once came a voice

From within the old field

Saying, “boy you just wait”

“till the fun gets revealed”

Then up from the grass

Came a man of short stock

He carried a cane

And jumped up on a rock

Then he said “young man!”

“just look at this place”

“all the fun to be had”

“in this glorious space!”

“I’m planning to open

And run a worlds fair.

With games and arcades

And nonstop fun everywhere

Right here you’ll buy tickets

Then enter into

The world’s first and only

Zoo that pets you

Here you’ll see all the creatures

That are brought from afar

Like the liontoad zimby

From the nation Japar

There will be Breasels, and Drexals

And fang toothed Buhstrakes

And the small shy Vantooth

Which can only eat cakes

Further into my fair

And you’ll see the first ride

The world’s tallest and fastest

Water spout slide

Ten thousand feet to the top

Quite the sight to behold

A marvel in making

Or so I’ve been told

Thirty minutes to walk up

Then a minute back down

Think of the joy

It’ll bring to this town

Over here in this part

Of this empty old field

Will be such a carousel

With secrets concealed

At first it goes slow

At a leisurely pace

Then faster it goes

You’ll feel your heart race

If rides aren’t your thing

There’s still plenty to do

Theres tons more to see

It’ll be up to you

The world’s greatest places

Will be at my  fair

Each with their own tent

All made with great care

You’ll learn of great cultures

And rich histories

And of people and places

With lost mysteries

My world’s fair will be

The grandest of things

I can’t wait to see

All the joy that it brings

Then he said to the boy

Can you envision it there

So grand and majestic-

My amazing world’s fair

But Billy just turned

And started back home

No imagine to speak of

So he played on his phone

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

Posted on by Talker99

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

.

“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

The Lair of the Hairless Bear, We are all required

Posted on by Talker99

Detroit, Michigan

If you find yourself somehow traveling towards Detroit at breakneck speed and you haven’t a clue as to why you may be going there…….

there can be only one reason: You are on your way to the Lair of the Hairless Bear.

At one point in each of our lives we are called by the Hairless Bear. We don’t know when the Bear will call, we just know that he will and when it happens we will be judged.

If the Hairless Bear judges you to not be worthy of this life, then the Hairless Bear will eat you and your time on this Earth will be through(as in the case of my father).

Most though are judged in a positive light and are able to leave with the Hairless Bears approval, so do not worry.

When you arrive at the entrance to the cave of the Hairless Bear, note the way the ground is tilted.

If it is tilted up then the month of April will be especially rainy. If it is tilted down, then a famous celebrity will possibly become impregnated in the coming days. If the ground is not tilted at all then that is the Hairless Bears way of telling you to lay off the carbs.

Scientists have yet to understand how the Hairless Bear can control these things, we just know that he can and so it must be accepted.

If on the way to the Hairless Bear, he tells you by mental telepathy to pick him up some gummi worms, it would be a smart decision to do as told.

A few people have failed to meet the Hairless Bears requests and those same people are no longer with us, the Hairless Bear sent them all to Canada.

No one knows why the Hairless Bear sends people to Canada(Toronto, usually) we just know that he started doing this sometime around 1986 and so it must be accepted.

People wearing shorts when meeting the Hairless Bear will not be accepted into the Hairless Bears chamber. If you find that upon your calling to the Hairless Bear you are wearing shorts, then it must be accepted that upon arrival you will probably be either eaten(most likely) or banned to Canada(least likely).

No one knows why the Hairless Bear hates shorts, we just understand that he does and so it must be accepted.

Finally, the Hairless Bear is a daunting and time consuming task for most people. You need to try and just have fun with it and let the way of the Hairless Bear help you grow into the man or woman that all of us become. Yes the Hairless Bear is scary, but that is only because he is a Bear and Bears are pretty scary up close.

Just remember he’s also Hairless, and being Hairless is funny, especially for a Bear.

Woman starts Blog

Posted on by Talker99

Karen Hendricks started her blog today, http://www.CrazyTodaySaneTomorrow.wordpress.com and she promises you’re going to love it.

According to the press release, Karen, (a mother of two living in South Carolina and newly single following her divorce), decided to start the blog so she could vent her “frustrations and funstations” that her day to day life brings.

She also is hoping to fill it with weekly posts about blogging.

Topics like “how to blog”, “how not to blog”, “how to get more followers”, “what to write about on your blog”, “the importance of the like button”, and “why you should comment on others blogs”.

She will also talk a lot about “stats” and “getting your name out there so the public can find you”.

Lastly, she will be filling it with every poem she has ever written.

These will be randomly placed throughout the week when she can not figure anything else out to write, adding, “they will show the true me. Who I am both before and after the divorce. I can promise you it will be an emotional roller coaster that shows my inner workings. I’m kind of nervous because of how personal my poetry is….”

It will be the most exciting thing you’ve read until the next blog you read.

Monkey writes masterpiece

Posted on by Talker99

You’ve heard the old saying, “If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them will eventually produce a masterpiece.

Well, the wait is finally over.

Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece.

The book, titled “Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey”, is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop’s life.

The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who, as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when poachers kidnap him.

The night of Bash Bash’s arrival, a rag tag group of activists attack the campground in hopes of freeing the animals held there . The freedom is shortlived though and the activists substitute one prison to the form of another, in the guise of an animal sanctuary.

Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to love and be loved. The book takes place during the month’s following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after.

In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that “Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I’m sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars.”

The book is to be released sometime next month.

Elvis Presley found alive but excitement is short lived

Posted on by Talker99

Fans of Elvis Presley were both excited and saddened today as news of The King, who was thought to have died in 1977, had been found alive inside a Louisville, Kentucky mall.

The news of Elvis’s apparent resurrection was short lived when approximately fifteen minutes later he was pronounced dead after suffering a stroke.

The mystery behind the death of Elvis has long been a topic of much debate, but had mostly died out in the recent years on account that most thought it was a stupid topic.

Jerry Cantro, who runs the website http://www.Elvisiseverywhere.org, a website devoted to Elvis sightings and Elvis memorabilia, had this to say, “I told you Elvis was alive. None of you believed me when I said I saw Elvis back in 1983. He was at the Grand Rapids, Michigan movie theater walking into the Jaws 3-D screening. I told you so. You all just laughed, only Weekly world News believed me………screw you people.”

The couple that spotted him in the mall, Jonathan and Judy Hogan from Clearwaters, Florida, would not talk to us directly but released a statement to the press saying that they are very saddened by the sudden loss of an American icon and when they spotted him buying a Cushioned Sleep Mask in the Brookstone store, he looked well and not in any way unhealthy.

He will be missed again.

Liu Kang recognized for heroic work in Mortal Kombat

Posted on by Talker99

Washington D.C.,

President Trump spoke this past Tuesday about how close we came to losing the Earth realm during the 2015 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all.

For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters.

It’s a millennial old battle where the final outcome decides the losing realmes fate.

In order to successfully win though, the invading realm must win ten straight competitions so, usually, we have had nothing to worry about.

In 2015 we had lost nine straight.

In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and prized fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown.

After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger.

Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him to this day.

The tournament, (which was to take place over three days in Outworld), got off to a rocky start when Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list.

While getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport she fell and broke her ankle.

A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when a blood test showed positive for both cocaine and steroids.

The future of Earthrealm was bleak at best.

Then the most amazing thing happened. In an event that will rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history….. Liu Kang beat them all.

He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for. Betting circles around the world placed him last and untested.

It was probably this status that helped him win.

The night of the final fight, (it’s been reported), Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome. He had started drinking heavily throughout the day and was seen passed out some two hours before the fight.

At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began….. three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious.

After taking a beating for the first two minutes and almost having the towel thrown in by his trainer, Liu stood up and showed the world his gravity defying signiture move, the flying bicycle kick.

As soon as he landed those rapid kicks to Goros chest it was all over. He then knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, shot three fireballs at him and ended with an amazing finishing move that caused Goros head to explode and arms rip completely off.

Our world, at least for now, was saved.

President Trump honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37.

Editorial

Posted on by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99. It in no way represents the thoughts or feelings of the staff at Talker99, just the editor….. which is the person writing the editorial…..

There’s been a lot of talk recently about scientific studies involving Dark Matter. The talks usually consist of people asking if it actually exists, how much of it is really out there and what, if anything, does it mean in regards to the creation of the known universe.

Considering I know very little about the known universe I decided to go furniture shopping.

And I must say, I really like that red couch.

Seriously, it’s a great couch. I’m not going to get it though, if I did I’d have to repaint and we all know how that will go(Talker99 tries to paint, issue 17, May 1999). I do though have a picture below for all you fans of fine furniture.

Talker99 removed the red couch photo due to copyright infringement(it was a fine photo though) Here now in its place, Puppies!

Talker99 removed the red couch photo due to copyright infringement(it was a fine photo though) Here now in its place, Puppies!

Alcoholic nation of Poland complains Stereotypes are offensive

Posted on by Talker99

The crime-ridden, alcoholic nation of Poland went before NATO today complaining that stereotypes about their communistic land are hurting its economy, namely the tourist portion.

When the anti-Semitic speaker of Poland had finished he was met with a small amount of applause and some light finger snapping from the hippie loving, pot smoking liberal representatives of Nato(Sean Penn was there).

Reps for the Asian portions of the world and the people who are clearly smarter than everyone(especially where math is concerned) gave Poland its full support in getting rid of stereotypes, adding “We very, very excited to support Poland in stereotype problem. We know all to well stereotyping, it bad, bad thing. Ching chow.” He then drove off and wrecked his car into the building across the street.

America is apparently on the fence when it comes to certain views on stereotypes. President Trump, himself a rich, white Republican who hates minorities and womens rights, sent a message to the leader of Poland after his speech, saying, “We support your speech. As you know, my nation is filled with dumb blondes, stupid jocks, slutty cheerleaders, rich white guys, drunk Irish, inbred hillbillies, hairy, bomb wearing middle eastern guys, trailer park trash, smarty pants, game playing Asians and more Mexican illegals than I can shake a stick at. What I’m saying is, stereotypes have no place in our society so we stand with you in eradicating those types of views from the face of the Earth.” ,

The wild animal roaming, dirt road nation of Poland also got support from the racist nation of South Africa, the big nosed French, the no sense of humor Nazi loving Germany and the really bad dancing white guy in the corner.

More as it develops.

China bans Chinese Food

Posted on by Talker99

China announced today that it will no longer be making Chinese food after discovering that most, if not all, of the countries billion and a half citizens are more than a little sick of eating it night after night.

Chinese President, Xi Jinping, had this to say during his daily high definition television announcement(since China has already converted to hi-def t.v’s, years ago the ones that failed to get converters, mostly in rural areas, had to listen on the radio), “Recently we held our annual Best of China, Worst of China poll so as to better understand the ways, needs and wants of your average People’s Republic Worker in the modern age. While we mostly got some pretty positive feedback on how we’ve handled things these past few years, we are always looking for ways to improve .

Anyway, like I said, mostly positive stuff, but of course we do this poll, not for the good, but because we care to know what you think we are doing wrong so that we can fix it and make you all happy.

Because that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day, you guys and galls of China. Now, thankfully there weren’t that many complaints, a few of you numbskulls in Hong kong joked that we should give the city back to England but we knew you were only kidding, so it’s cool. But the main thing we got from yall was about how you’re sick of eating bad Chinese takeout every night.

Now, I’ll admit, at first we all just kind of laughed at these requests, saying to ourselves, We’re freakin Chinese people living in China! Everything we eat is Chinese food because it’s China!

But, after really thinking about it, you’re right, we have nothing but Chinese food and that’s not right.

Don’t believe me? Go to McDonalds in Beijing and they have noodles, rice and sauce on a sesame seed bun, it’s called a China Mac…. It’s pathetic. We should Have more. When the Americans go to Olive Garden, they say they had Italian, not American. We don’t even have that as an option because there’s not an Olive Garden anywhere in China!

Trust me I looked that shit up! There’s an Olive Empress, which I’ve never even heard of. Ju Ping, my cousin, swears up and down that it’s a smoke shop but I’m not sure if I believe him…….anyway, yeah, not one fucking Olive Garden! What kind of shit is that?!

So here’s what’s gonna happen people, your words have been heard and we are officially banning Chinese food…that feels so weird saying that….but that’s what’s going down.

For the next six months no more egg rolls, no more orange chicken and certainly no more white fucking rice.

You happy now Peoples Republic? You spoke, we listened, Xi out….peace!”

Confused man thinks someone called his name

Posted on by Talker99

For Tempe, Arizona resident Jerrod Ward, walking to and from work every day is more than just his way of saying that he’s trying to live “Green”, it’s also his favorite part of the day.

“Well, my favorite two parts of the day.” Jerrod told us by phone last Tuesday night, “See, cause I walk to work and then back home after I get off…….so, it’s my favorite “two” parts of the day.”

He then laughs and asks if I get the humor in what he said…..

(silence)

But last Monday night his walk home was interrupted for a few Earth shattering moments by a belief that someone called out his name, sending him into a confused state of looking around and wondering who it was.

Police are said to be investigating more important matters.

Help Wanted

Posted on by Talker99

Do you have a love for the outdoors and a desire to change the world into a better place?

Do you have compassion, patience and the ability to teach without lecturing?

And finally, do you want to show the value of nature and be a positive influence to it’s upkeep?

If you answered yes to any of these questions than you just may be the person were looking for at Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience.

Currently we are looking to fill our Camp Counselor positions for the summer months.

We offer competitive pay and great health benefits for the right candidates.

Sporting a new, 24 hour a day security and surveillance system that covers the entire perimeter of the campground, you can feel safe and secure throughout your stay with us.

The lake has been completely cleaned of all debris and has had all traces of the past events that took place around it removed.

If for any reason during your employment you must venture out of the camp ground, you can feel secure due to the armed guard that patrols the camp.

You’ll gain confidence after attending the self defence and survival seminar that is required of all new hires.

All in all, Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience is a great place to work and learn for all involved.

Your safety is what matters most.

We look forward to hearing from you.

WordPress Blog gets new adult rating

Posted on by Talker99

The usually family friendly WordPress blog, Views from my Subaru, was hit hard today with comments asking the creator of the site to tone down the language after he accidentally typed the word “fuck” instead of the usual, fu*k, which is only readable by those over the age of 18.

Considered to be a more PG-13 style site, Views from my Subaru was upgraded to R after receiving too many complaints from unhappy readers.

Miranda Fellowship, a long time Subaru reader and mother of two, had this to say, “I was shocked when I read it. I mean, I read that site to my kids and to think that they could have heard me read that word aloud sends chills down my spine.

Now I have to actually actively watch what my kids read just in case something like that gets out there again. Its appalling.”

“Everyone knows that you can’t write the word fuck and expect to get away with it,” says professional commenter, Daryl Speedman, “because that kind of language is unacceptable for your everyday family site.

Kids see those kinds of words and their minds just get fried. It becomes all about sex and violence and sex once that shit crosses a kids eyes.

In order for those words to not reach them you gotta put a # symbol or any other type thingy in a letters place.

That way the bad words go unread because kids and teens don’t have the mental capabilities to place a C or a U where the * is. I don’t know why this is, I just know that it is.”

And now welcome our very special guest, Mr Tony Danza.

“Hey, Tony Danza here, speaking on behalf of Talker99. He knows that today’s post was not his best work. It could have used a little more work in the final execution and probably a little less foul language. I ain’t gotta tell you how many episodes of Who’s the Boss we did where we all said the same thing at the end of the day but you want to know something? People forgave us week after week and still tuned in to see us! So yeah, today’s post was a lot like a crap episode of Who’s the Boss…….. I say that’s cool by me and I’m Tony Danza.

Scientists agree that its Sunny

Posted on by Talker99

Birmingham, Al

At least five scientists in Birmingham have announced that it is indeed Sunny today.

This comes at a time when most of the scientists in the Birmingham community were at a loss as to why it wasn’t sunny, especially when it looked like it should be.

Matt Reeves, a scientist, talked to us by phone and told us what the mood was throughout his community, “Quite happy actually. I mean, the math was there and all signs showed that it was to be sunny…. but these last few days, well….they just left us with no sun. When it finally did come out it just proved that all our results from testing had in fact been correct, the sun was finally out.”

News as it updates.

Talker99 vs. Dr Seuss

Posted on by Talker99

Here goes nothing……

(Untitled, it was really hard to come up with a Seuss like title)

On a day like today

At the Airport Garoo

Young Henry sat dreaming

For a minute or two.

Then his uncle walked up

and said “Henry, we’re next”

“Our plane will be boarding”

“Why look so perplexed?”

I’m just sitting here thinking

about planes and where they all go?

I mean- look at them all…..

wouldn’t you like to know?

How often and when-

and where do they fly?

How much time do they spend-

up in that sky?

Do they fly to those places

Further than you and I know

Do they fly to those places-

just where do they go?

By my count a plane-

takes flight each minute at least

Some will head west

and some just head east

Ill bet one or two of those planes

go to the island of Tup

Where each house is all pink

and the farms all farm Shupp

I’ll bet they fly far

Farther than you and I’ve ever been

Like that one place I read of

Though I can’t tell you when

It was a place that’s called Stuudle

On the island of Brike

A place that I promise

You and I wouldn’t like

Every day until nightfall

The Stuudle’s carry water uphill

Then back down to fetch more

Chanting, “There’s a way, there’s a will.”

See the town of Stuudle

Sits on the Mountain Van-upt

Which is really volcanic

And any day will erupt

So they carry the water

And pour it out to-

The mountains hot steamy center

In hopes the lava wont spew

But the planes must fly farther

Past the places we’ll ever go

Where the Summers are Winters

To a place like FahShow

Since their Winters are Summers

Their Fall must be Spring

Cuz their Daytime’s our Nighttime

And their Queen is their King

Fly much further out there

And the Planes reach the end of the line

Which suits all the Pilots

And Stewards just fine

Further out in the world

I think lives few people there

Mostly scientists and loners

If you really do care

There are small towns like Readsies

In the Country of Prup

The only place known

To eat Tups Farmed Shupp

Way out further still

Is the Island of Zinn

Where a strange tribe all lives there

Whose names are all Ken

Then there’s Valloompa and Stoompa

and Yango and Flive

Where wild three footed animals

Just might eat you alive

Thankfully though

All those planes have flown by

And our plane just goes home

We’ll soon be up in the sky

Now the next plane that’s leaving

From the Airport Garoo

Takes us home from our trip

Where we might just see you

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